Petition Against Vaginal Births

Hello Y'all.


My name's Bobby (Lee). I was saved when I was 3 years old (praise the Lord). It was a scolding hot day. I was out on the front porch with Ma and Pa (and Grandmama). Ma and Pa were sitting on lawn chairs, Grandmama was on a rocker, and I was playing on the floor. Suddenly, my stomach growled, and before I knew it, I was sittin' in a very sinful diaper. The warm liquid affront to all that is holy, was itching my naughty parts, and the smell was made mighty powerful by the scorching sun.

That aweful smell and uncomfortable feelin', got me thinking. Do I want to spent my days wallowing in filth that itches and burns at my soul, or should I search for a higher purpose. That's when I decided to subscribe to God's plan, and I never looked back. Let me just add another word about that day - I was woefully uncomfortable and it even started to burn in my "beehive". What's worse was that my Mom punished me for what I done and didn't change me till nightfall. Back then I was cryin' and hurtin', but instead of sidin' with Satan, I decided to go with the Lord (Which often speaks through my Ma).

I remember that fateful day when my Ma, under great duress from her prissy yank of a sister, gave in and sat me down for a talk about the facts of life. Since I was only at the tender age of 18, Ma took it slow, and little by little she laid it out for me. I still took it mighty rough, and was devastated by this new information (Ma said that it was white pee, in honor of Xmas, should have suspected something, since it was July). By the time I was 26, I learned, by accident mind you, where babies come from, while watching a liberal and immoral TV Show called "Sesame's Street". Well, by Jesus, I knelt down then and there and crossed my hands. I started by praying - "Dear almighty Lord and his equally almighty (? I should ask the Preacher about that) son, Jesus. I was wonderin' how you could let poor little innocent babes, come into this world from this feminine instrument of moral decay and possible devil worship".

After that I spent a month in my room, doing a watchamacalit , you know... Oh right - "ponderizing" about birthin'. I stopped talking with my Ma. I was ashamed to look at her. I couldn't believe that she put me through this... Dr. Phil thing, something that happens that later haunts you. Yep, that's it - "Traumas". This was doggone childs abusings (And not the Church approved kind), and an obscenity in the eyes of the good Lord.

Then, after many a night, I started to get angry. First I wrote to my Congressman. He seemed real nice when he visited us last year. Real upstanding and God fearing type, he was (plus my Daddy and his friends liked him for his supportin' of the 2nd amendment). He said that "Family Values" come first in his book, and he also told me as a secret... I don't know.. I really shouldn't... Well, alright.. ALRIGHT, I'll tell you - He told me that he was out to represent good ol' Christian folk, you know, real salt of the earth kind of people, and not "them lazy Mexicans or those hip hopping gang banging black folk" (I felt morally obliged to correct him to "African Americans", saving him from the sin of racisms).

I waited for weeks, but he didn't reply. I was disappointed and was thinking unchristian thoughts about him, God help me. Then, I suddenly remembered something I saw on a smutty, filthy TV comedy, that's corruptin' our youngens - "Seventh Heaven". In one episode, they turned their Congressman around to their ways of thinkin' by showin' him papers with peoples signatures on them. I think it was called, a "petituary". Immediately after that thought, I felt strange, as if a heavenly spirit entered the pit of my stomach (it kinda tickled, the Lord forgive me), and I knew right away that this was indeed God's will.

Sure enough, I made a dang petitution (Thanks Ma, for correcting me) right away, and put on my signature first.
Then I rallied up my friends - Jim Bob, Bobby Joe, Susy May, Joe Bobby and Bubba (the "Shrimp") Gump, and we all went protestin' and fishin' for signatures outside the local hospital. My aimin' , was 10000 signatures (like in the show). I was feelin' really good about myself. I was doin' the Lord's work. And I was finally using this "Democraticy" thingamajig we learned about in school (In bible camp, they said its sometimes ok to use the "Democraticy" thing for god's goals, but mostly we should stay away because we might confuse it with being Democrats).

Our protestin' wasn't going to good. Some people, God help them (I prayed for them that week in Church, I did), called us names, and said we "in fridged" on some liberal honky tonk called human rights. That weren't very Christian of them, in my opinions. Though it was Joe Bobby that got real angry. It's very hard to get Joe Bobby talkin' back cause he's so mild mannered, and furthermore, Jesus forgive me, he ain't the sharpest knife in the kitchen. He started Hollarin' - "Humans rights?!? God made us humans, so ain't he got no say on them rights? And besides God is a more important man even then the President, God keep him. Noway, nohow". I was impressed, Joe Bobby made perfect sense, as if the good Lord was using Joe Bobby's voice to say stuff he needed saying. Even the guy that yelled at us was left speechless. One more to the side of the Lord.

Some others joined us in our cause, like Stevey Jr., which was good, cause he's an amateur country singer, and he got one heck of a voice, and some good wholesome wordings 'bout loving Jesus and America, none of that filthy "MTV" blasphemy, talking 'bout shameful things like skipping church, holding hands, and even god forgive me for even saying this, premarital (before your married) baby making. But his singin' wasn't enough. Truth was, most people just ignored us. So we gave up, and returned home disappointed and fearin' God's wrath.

There had to be something I could do. I knew there was one person I could count on to tell me how it is - my Ma. So on a sunday, at dinner, I finally broke my silence. I said I was real sorry and I gave her a big 'ol hug.
She cried too, and we both got on our knees and serviced the good Lord then and there. Ma's real big on sudden prayer meets (she has prayer mats and books ready just in case - hehe, I made a pun).
After the prayin', I told Ma, my righteous cause. She almost cried on the spot. She said that she was never more proud of me. I had found out smut and ungodliness where other Christians haven't even thought of yet. She said I was what they called a "progressive" (Christians more virtuous than most other Christians). Then she gave in and broke down in tears. She then asked the lord to forgive her for commiting that aweful sin, and pleaded ignorance (which doesn't impress God usually, but Ma deserves a special second chance). Then I forgave her, in the name of The Father, The Son, and The Holy Ghost.

Well, Long story short. Ma denounced her evil ways, and swore to Jesus Mary (and Joseph) that she would never practice such sinnery again. Further she promised to help me with my cause. Well, Ma is attending a Bible studies group, with some real smart fellas (one of them actually read the whole Bible, plus/minus). One of them said that there's this thing called the "Interweb", I think. He said, that this place is mostly sinfull, but if used to spread the good news about Jesus, it's alright then. I drove to town, to a diner were they told me there was a Computer. And behold God's work - Some guy was there, and he was nice enough to show me how to write this to y'all. He was really friendly, but seemed a bit strange, god forgive me, he kept laughing to himself all the time, poor guy(I'll pray for him, and I'll ask my Ma to pray for him too, he needs all the prayin' he can get). But he was still very nice. He even offered to write it for me in fancy writing, and put it up in something called a "Blong". I asked if this Blong was made by god fearing Christians, and he rested my worries, by telling me that Christianity and God was one of the main topics of discussion. Praise Jesus, for guiding these sinners in his path.

Well, enough chit-chat and on to the business. I hereby suggestify that we stop taking babies out of woman's shameful parts. These babies are pure and sinless in the eyes of the almighty maker, and they ain't needing to be corrupted this young. Please, in the name of Christ, help me gather 10000 signatures so I can show my Congressman that we mean business.
Good Christian folk are the heart of America. They started America, and they can also end America, and by golly, they should have their sayings heard by law makers, and made into laws quick and true.

I'd like to finish off by pleading to your Christian hearts - A birthing happens to almost all god's children (I think, I'll check with my Ma). And that means that almost all of them are violated in this ungodly manner. Please stop this! Help rescue our children's innocence and good virtue.

I forgot to say one last thing. The guy that helped me (strange name, 2muchinfo, should make a note to ask the Preacher if putting a number in your name is sinfull) asked me how I reckoned children will be born if not through birthin'. I looked at him, real sad like, cause I felt sorry for him. And I asked him if he had accepted Jesus into his life. He said no (Poor man, I should ask the pasture to tell all the people in my church to pray for his soul). So I looked him square in the eyes and said - "If you was a believer you would know. God will find a way, he always does. After all, this is America". Halleluja!